Most of these are hilarious. Some are explicit or offensive – proceed at your own risk.

General | Geeky | Women Power | Sex

1. Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
2. Half of the people in the world are below average.
3. Life in a vacuum sucks.
4. Politics: Poli (many) – tics (blood sucking parasites)
5. To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so
6. Computers can never replace human stupidity
7. You’ll get what’s coming to you … Unless mailed
8. You’re only young once; you can be immature f’ever
9. On a tombstone: “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK”
10. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
11. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
12. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
13. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
14. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
15. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather,
    not screaming, terrified, like his passengers
16. When there’s a will, I want to be in it.
17. “Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s hand grenades I throw…”
18. “Suicide Hotline…please hold.”
19. “To err is human, to forgive….$5.00″
20. Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
21. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
22. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
23. A pessimist is never disappointed.
24. All life’s answers are on TV. – Bart Simpson
25. All work and no play, will make you a manager.
26. Alone: In bad company.
27. Always glad to share my ignorance – I’ve got plenty.
28. Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out
29. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
30. Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
31. Black holes really suck…
32. Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
33. Brain dysfunction detected…
34. Brain over – Insert coin
35. Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
36. Chess players mate better.
37. Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
38. Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
39. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
40. Don’t confuse me with facts, my mind’s already made up!
41. Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
42. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die
43. Facts are stubborn things.
44. Gravity doesn’t exist. Earth sucks.
45. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
46. I am built for comfort, not speed!
47. I don’t care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
48. I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
49. I think, therefore I am. I think.
50. I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
51. I tried switching to gum but I couldn’t keep it lit.
52. I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect
53. I’m not a complete idiot – several parts are missing.
54. I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand.
55. If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
56. If I save time, when do I get it back ?
57. If at first you don’t succeed, put it out for beta test
58. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
59. If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
60. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
61. If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
62. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
63. If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
64. In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
65. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
66. It’s not just a hobby, it’s an obsession!
67. Just do it.
68. Just did it.
69. Just do me.
70. Justice: A decision in your favour.
71. Kill them all! … Let God sort them out.
72. Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
73. My message above. Your response here ____________.
74. Never assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.
75. Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
76. So many lawyers, so few bullets.
77. So many pedestrians, so little time.
78. Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
79. Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.
80. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
81. Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
82. The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
83. The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
84. This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
85. Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
86. Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
87. Was today really Necessary?
88. Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray
89. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
90. Who is “they” anyway?
91. Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
92. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
93. You can’t have everything…where would you put it?
94. If Clinton is the answer it must be a stupid question.
95. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips
96. Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!
97. I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
98. Lottery: A tax on people who don’t understand statistics.
99. A man is not complete until he is married — then he is finished.
100. Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.
101. Im not as think as you drunk i am.
102. I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.
103. Eat shit! A million flies can’t be wrong.
104. You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.
105. Life is not a cabaret. It’s a fucking circus.
106. Born an Asshole (The rest grew later)
107. Heaven won’t have me and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.
108. Same shit, different day.
109. To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
110. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home
111. Sign on baby’s bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
112. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
113. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
114. Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
115. VENI, VIDI, VISA – I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
116. Jesus is coming, look busy
117. Jesus Saves — passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!
118. Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!
119. To err is human; To moo is bovine.
120. Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss’s ass.
121. Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool!
122. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
123. REHAB is for quitters.
124. Death to all fanatics!
125. It’s all fun and games,’till someone loses an eye! Then it’s a *SPORT*
126. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit
127. Two thirds of Americans can’t do fractions. The other half, just don’t care.
128. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
129. Concorde:
     Breakfast in London
     Lunch in New York
     Luggage in Bombay
130. Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.
131. Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
132. Follow that car, Godzilla — and step on it!
133. “Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more.
     What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4.”
134. “Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!”
135. Feel lucky???? Update your software!
136. Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
137. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
138. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (yep/Nope)
139. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
140. (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
141. Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
142. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
143. “Calm down. It’s only ones and zeros.”
144. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
145. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
146. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
147. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
148. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
149. FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue…
150. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
151. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened…
152. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
153. … File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
154. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
155. Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
156. Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
157. RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
158. ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth — reboot universe? (Y/N)
159. “I am logged in, therefore I am.”
160. The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?
161. Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage
162. Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
163. BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding.
164. COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
165. Computer Lie #1: You’ll never use all that disk space
166. Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
167. H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
168. How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder
169. I had a life once… now I have a computer and a modem
170. It said “Insert disk #3″, but only two will fit!
171. NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
172. hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
173. The name is Baud… James Baud.
174. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
175. E Pluribus Modem
176. ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
177. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
178. Hold a hard drive to your ear — listen to the C:
179. Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression
180. Never run after buses or women: you’ll always get left behind.
181. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
182. Men are like toilets: the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit
183. God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
184. Menstruation, Menopause, Mental Breakdowns..ever notice how all our
     problems begin with Men?
185. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer
186. If you park, don’t drink, accidents cause people.
187. 3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?
188. God invented man because Eve’s vibrator ran out of batteries.
189. God invented Women because he wanted a good laugh.
190. Assassins do it from behind!
191. Sex is like a bridge game: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
192. She kept an air of mystery about her. When men asked her name, she’d
     say: “Never mind the chit chat…let’s screw.”
193. 9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.
194. Flies spread disease — Keep yours closed!
195. Electricians do it till it Hz.